seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
