I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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