I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
