Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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