its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
