the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
