I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
