Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
