So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
