You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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