she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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