My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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