Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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