I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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