I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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