I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
