were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
