Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
