My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
