If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
