Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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