I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
