When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
