I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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