love makes seman taste better
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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