I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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