my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just had sex on a roof
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
