3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
