If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
