I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Randomize
