I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
