im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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