one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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