Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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