1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
