Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
