yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
