somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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