WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
