Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
