How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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