the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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