Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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