You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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