Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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