I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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