I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
