I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
