i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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