just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
